The Hands of Time

It has been a while since I've written anything. I guess there's many reasons for that. Things have been crazy here. And to be honest I really haven't had anything to write about. Now I'm so damned depressed that I'm hoping writing will help it pass. But sadly I know it's not going to help. The only thing that will help is if I can find a way to stop the clock...just stop time right now and not let the 11th of January come. You see I "adopted" four soldiers back in March. I have seen them daily every single day since then. They are my family now and I love them and would die for any one of them. Now..two of the four are going back to Iraq. One on the 11th and another on the 17th. Not only is this going to hurt me, but my daughter is going to be crushed as well. In the picture you see me, my daughter, my son, my husband and two of my soldiers. Jason on the end (july deployment) and Josh..who is going back on the 11th. Josh holds the moon and the stars in the sky according to my daughter and I don't know how she's going to accept him being gone. I don't know how families get thru this. I can't express the deep level of respect and admiration I have for the family left behind. For now I will see first hand how it feels to have your family ripped apart by deployment. Once on the 11th and then again a week later when another one, Mike, will leave.

We haven't decided yet if I will be on USO duty at the time they leave. I want to honor whatever their choice is..but the funny thing is..none of us can make the decision. When I ask them what they prefer they can't really answer. So we all wind up sitting and looking at each other..just a sad circle. If I'm there I can say goodbye..but will I only make it worse? I can't even talk about it without crying. Will I be able to maintain my professionalism with them walking away? The walk I have seen more times than I can remember...the gun on one shoulder, back pack slung to one side and that ever familiar USO bag of goodies in their hand. Can I watch that and actually know who they are? How can I stop myself from running after them one last time? How can I say goodbye? Do I go and risk it or should I be a coward and stay home and send them off hoping someone is good to them when they leave? Such a hard decision is being placed on my shoulders...I only hope I make it the right one.