Wasted Time

I was home alone last night, so I played around on the internet wasting time. I decided to update my Myspace page. Put new pictures on my sldie shows and try a new background. Well that turned into a 3 hour nervous breakdown. Nothing was working like it should. I kept getting booted offline, my connection was slow...... you name it. But in the end the result was ok. Not worth the time ...but ok. But that was 3 hours I could have been doing more important things. Today I was reminded of what one of those things was. About 2 PM my husband came in the back door with a strange look on his face. While looking at his feet he said," Paulette...you might want to come down to the kennel and see Bubba kitty. I don't think he's going to make it much longer." My hear started to race. Bubba kitty is 14-15 years old and in failing health. I knew it was coming, but you're never prepared when it does. I put my shoes on and walked down to the kennel. He was in a cage on a blanket with a towel propping his head up. When I saw him, tears filled my eyes. "Oh nooooo..he's already gone......" I said. Rubbing under his chin I called his name in the high pitch baby talk way I have always talked to him in. To my surprise his mouth opened in a soundless meow. He knew I was there. This cat who loved me more than anything knew I was with him. is back leg started to twitch and he lifted his head a little. I wrapped him in his blanket and held him to my chest. With sobs choking my words I held him..told him he was such a good kitty and I loved him. I told him his brother was waiting for him at the rainbow bridge..and it was ok for him to go play now. My tears by now had soaked his head and ears. I held him close and rubbed him until the life left his body. My husband looked at me and said, " He was waiting for you. He waited for you to get here to say goodbye." I just stood there..clutching my limp lifeless cat. I brought him to the house and wrapped him in one of my t-shirts and held him more. Then I started thinking...I had spent more time with my cat...MY cat who worshipped me...spent more time with him in his passing than I did when he could and would have enjoyed it. I thought about the 3 stupid hours on Myspace...and all the other time I spend doing meaningless useless things. I'm so angry at myself...it's ALL time I cant get back. I will never get it back. I will never again get the chance to hold him or rub him...it's all gone now.

In thinking of all of this..it doesn't only apply to my cat..it applies to my life in general. I waste so much time. I'm ashamed of my weight so I don't do fun things with my kids. I stay home or on the sideline because I don't want to embarrass my kids. When in truth, they would probably LOVE to have me doing things with them. They wouldn't care what I looked like! I have put this myth into my own head.

In addition to wasting time, I don't always express myself to people. I'm always afraid of telling people how I feel. I'm so afraid of what they might think that I keep it inside...and that's probably one of the worst things I can do. Unspoken words can break hearts. I shouldn't take for granted that people KNOW how I feel...I should tell people more often. I have to be one of the luckiest people in the world. I am surrounded by people who care about me. I have friends I have never seen that I know will be there for me thru anything. Have I ever said thank you? I doubt it. Please forgive me. If I typed faster I would send each and every one a special note. But sadly my one finger typing just isn't enough. So please accept this mass note of appreciation... To my family..thank you..thank you for loving me when I may not have deserved it. That has been too many times I'm afraid. I promise to try to harder and get more involved. To my friends...I suck...I know I do. I don't always return phone calls or emails like I should. I have no excuse..I just plain suck. But it doesn't mean I don't think of you daily. I value each and every one of you...(especially you Theresa). Thank you for sharing your lives with me...even though at times I may not be worthy. Now..to my soldiers AKA my boys..and you KNOW who you are...I owe you the most..because you have made by far the biggest impact on my life. You have shown me that family does not always mean blood related. You have given me more than you will ever know by just loving me. I have learned that saying I love you isn't painful..and it can easily be said and felt without judgement. YOU ARE MY FAMILY and you are also my heroes. Each one of you are so different and so special. I know Heaven must have sent you to me. I needed to find you.

I hope that with my words I have expressed a little bit of what I'm feeling. I value the people in my life..please please forgive me for not saying so before now. So with those messages I close this entry with a lighter heart. I will miss you Bubba kitty! I loved you so much..and I'm so sorry for the time I wasted not showing it.reemiu