My Nest Is Empty

Wow..where do I even start this? Two weeks ago tonight I sent my soldier/adopted son/friend to Iraq. For lack of a more eloquent way of putting it..it sucked. So this past Tuesday..I had to do it all again. Except this time it wasn't one person I was saying goodbye to. It wasn't two people I was sending off. It was more like 12...12 soldiers that I have laughed and joked with. 12 soldiers who have been in my house, ate dinner with me, had entirely too much to drink with me on many occasions, shared secrets with me and trusted me..and now they are gone.(even though Jason just left for the field for 3 weeks..he's still gone) Every single one is gone. And now I'm alone. I don't think you realize how much a part of life things are until they aren't there anymore. I suggested to my husband the other day that "we should all get together and...." but now there is no we or all. They are gone. I have pictures to look at...pictures make me cry..oh how I cry. Pictures aren't the only reminder though. The other day I was doing laundry and I pulled out a shirt..it was Mike's shirt. Mike boarded the plane first..Mike couldn't look at me on his way to the plane..he said I'd make him cry. As I took Mike's shirt from my dryer I gathered it and smelled it..just hoping for some scent of him being left even though I'd just washed it..nothing..not a trace left. As I stood with his shirt held to my face i just started to sob. I just sat down on the floor and sobbed in pain..the kind of sobbing a child does when their mouth is open but no sound comes out...I cried until I was exhausted. I had nothing left to cry . I just couldn't believe the sense of loss and lonliness that came over me. They were everywhere..yet they were nowhere. God I miss them. All the crazy things they'd say and do..Josh who never took a picture without making some wacky face. That child is not normal..I just know it. I miss hearing them laugh....seeing them smile.

But it's almost a week later and now I am a little better. Things get a little easier as time goes by. I'm getting emails from them which is helpful. Also the deployment is over for now. On the day they left we sent 1,100 soldiers off to Iraq. I'm glad that was the end of it because I don't think I could have gone back and done that for even one more day. I believe I would have quit USO before going back. I was emotionally and physically drained. I knew this whole thing would be hard, but I had no idea it would be as hard as it is. I don't know how military families do it time and again. I have so much respect for the military family left at home. I've been asked on many occasion if I was going to find more to adopt? I don't think so...but then again who knows? I got such great joy out of having them around and them calling me family. One thing I learned, you don't have to be of the same blood to be family...anyone can be family... you just have to love them enough...and I love my boys! God please keep them safe and bring them home....